Home Behind My Eyes
by Pearl Prynne
Summary: A chapter per season  at least? . No plot, just  * feelings * . Gee, have I hooked you yet?
1. Chapter 1

AN. I know I'm supposed to be writing Repercussions but it's gotten to the point where I actively hate it now and want to stab it many times with a fork and then have Sailor Mars burn it in a fire.

i have a rough plan for the next chapter but it used to make sense and now it doesn't so screw it, sorry, you get this instead for now. (I haven't given up on Rep. tho...)

seemingly unrelated interconnected thingies, at least one for each season (maybe?) and I want to jump around in time we'll see if I do it.

**season 1**

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><p>Usagi couldn't shake the feeling that she was intruding, even though it was a public park and, as she told herself, she had just as much right to be here as Mamoru did.<p>

Still, he seemed to create some sort of impenetrable bubble around himself as he sat there, reading on the bench. Usagi never really noticed that before, usually having unknowingly breached whatever shield he had around himself with various wayward flying objects or her own person, but now that she was purposely - and hesitantly- approaching him of her volition it was almost obvious how inapproachable he really was sometimes.

How irritating, Usagi thought, scrunching her eyebrows together.

All things considered, though, she did have an apology to issue. To either Rei or Mamoru, and both were equally unpleasant tasks, Rei slightly moreso for various reasons related to friendship and gender. Blowing some blonde bangs out of her face, Usagi pondered the unusual idea of Mamoru actually being the lesser of two evils.

But, she figured he'd pass her apology on to Rei, saving the blonde from having to address the issue in question with the raven-haired priestess. That in itself was incentive enough for Usagi to march up and purposely tap Mamoru on the shoulder.

"Hey, you," she said, unceremoniously. Having just found out his name a few days before, she wasn't ready to use it yet.

Her mind was telling her this was not the way to start an apology, but old habits die hard and being annoyed at this guy was a habit that she clung to with a desperation she didn't always understand. Surely he didn't deserve it quite as much as she insisted, but the alternative never really occurred to her. There was a lot going on in Usagi's life and trying to figure out anything other than 'annoying college guy' equaling 'be mean to him now' was not going to compute just yet.

"Don't call me odango atama," she said, warningly, before he could open his mouth in greeting.

"Okay, don't call me 'hey you'," he countered. Usagi shrugged, as if it was something she'd take into account, later, if she felt like it. "I'm surprised to see you and not be recovering from some sort of bodily injury," he continued.

Usagi grit her teeth and reminded herself that she was here to be nice. Five minutes or so of being nice, and then she'd be on her way and things could go back to normal - as normal as her life was these days. Anyway.

"I wanted to apologize for ... I don't know... ruining your and Rei's date or whatever," Usagi said, bowing quickly and then raising her eyes to the sky and chewing on her cheek. Really, though, it wasn't Usagi following Rei and Mamoru that ruined their first date so much as a youma. In fact, if you think about it, Usagi thought, she _saved_ their date. Really, she shouldn't have had to apologize at ALL- her thoughts were interrupted when Mamoru commented:

"That sounded sincere."

"I _am_ sincere, though," Usagi said, making the mistake of meeting his eyes. She hated when she did that, because something about his eyes bothered her. As far as she was concerned it was just one more strike against Mamoru that his eyes were such a phenomenal shade of blue and seemed to hide something. Something that she had to stop some repressed part of herself from scrambling out to find. Why couldn't he just have normal eyes, like everyone else? Jerk. "I don't want to apologize to Rei, but you can tell her, right?"

He raised his eyebrows, and before he could say no, she rushed on. "I mean, just, please, c'mon. She said you two are going out again so tell her _then_."

"Are you two in a fight or something?" he asked, closing his book and tilting his head. Usagi looked shocked at the question.

"No, why?" Usagi responded, giving him a strange look.

Mamoru opened his mouth as if to ask something, then closed it again. He thought the better of trying to pry into why he'd be the one to pass a message on to someone who this girl was obviously closer with than he was.

There was a moment of silence. Usagi looked down at her satchel, scratching at the handle with her thumbnail. She was still standing awkwardly next to the bench, making no move to leave or sit.

"Why did you follow us, anyway?" Mamoru found himself asking. "Not that it wasn't incredibly amusing, don't get me wrong."

"Rei wasn't amused," Usagi supplied, annoyed.

"Were you jealous?" he teased and she glared.

"Ugh! That's just what Lu- I mean, a friend said," Usagi's anger seemed to dissipate completely when she truncated Luna's name. "But I think- I think I was." Her eyes seemed to focus on something far over Mamoru's shoulder, at the trees that faded into the buildings of her home city, turning pink in the setting sun, lights in windows starting to sparkle on one by one like modern stars.

"Not because of _you_, conceited," she added quickly, at Mamoru's smirk, "Gross." Crossing her arms, and letting her bookbag dangle from her fingertips she sighed and leaned against a nearby tree. "Just because, jeeze, it happened so easily for Rei. She sees some guy she likes, she asks him out, he says yes, boom! they go on a date. I mean, yeah, it's _you,_ but there's no accounting for taste."

Mamoru rolled his eyes at her disgusted face. "And it's so hard for you, then, is it?"

"It _is_," Usagi said, still not looking at him. "The guy I'm in love with - it's _so_ much more complicated." Her shoulders slumped. This was just great. How did she end up talking about this? She'd never just be able to ask Tuxedo Kamen out on a date. They'd never pass notes in class or go rowing on a lake or anything like that. By falling in love with him, had she just given up on any semblance of a normal romance? But, as Sailor Moon, could she even have a normal romance with _anyone_? Oh god, that was the most depressing thought she'd had in a long time. She leaned her head back in utter defeat.

"Cheer up, odango atama," Mamoru said, "I'm sure your schoolgirl crush will work itself out."

Usagi had actually completely forgotten she had an audience. Shocked out of her reverie, she took Mamoru's obvious amusement as a personal affront, and stalked right up to him, looking him right in the eye. She forgot to be unnerved by his eyes' unnatural blue color, or the strange way they always locked right into hers. She forgot to be stuttering angry and bright red and scream insults like she usually did when he pissed her off. She forgot everything but that she had to stand up for her feelings and she had to do it _now._

"Chiba Mamoru," she said, "that's your name right?" He nodded the affirmative, eyes wide and very interested to see what Usagi would do next. "You don't know me very well, but you need to know that I may be some silly little schoolgirl, but I can love more deeply, more resolutely, and with more conviction than you ever could _imagine_! And you can't call what I feel for this person some 'crush' because you can't know, even a little bit, what we share. So if you learn one thing about me, it should be that!"

Usagi blinked and stood up from where she had been leaning over him. She felt a strange sort of ridiculous pride, wondering where something that articulate and resounding had even _come from._ Maybe the same place her Sailor Moon introductions came from, she thought. She had felt the same sort of semi-familiar detachment as words came from somewhere deep inside her that wasn't her mind or her heart but some strange combination of the two.

"Don't make fun of me for that!" she added, pointing a finger at his chest. "Or I'll scream and cry and everyone in this park will come running."

"I- won't," Mamoru finally said. "And I'll pass the apology on to Rei."

Usagi smiled, and picked up her schoolbag from where she had dropped it earlier, dusting it off. "Anyway," she said, framed in gold by the setting sun, "I just meant to come by and say that I won't intrude on any more of yours and Rei's dates."

As far as Usagi ever knew, she had told the truth.

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><p>asdfghjkl;<p>

this may be more for me than anything ha ha... whatever whatever... ?


	2. Chapter 2

seemingly unrelated interconnected drabbles, at least one for each season (maybe?) and I want to jump around in time we'll see if I do it.

ps. I'm aware silver millennium isn't a season. meh.

Silver Millennium

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><p>Each time Princess Serenity went to Earth and returned home to the Moon Kingdom unscathed, undetected and not missed by her guardians, she promised herself that was the last time. Because eventually someone would notice she'd be missing, and she'd be scolded or, if they actually deduced where she had gone, punished. And heaven forbid her someone would catch her on Earth - then the punishment could be much more severe.<p>

She had no sovereignty there.

It was the sixth or maybe seventh time - she stopped keeping track- she'd been to Earth that she was finally confronted. She'd been careless, maybe, or let her guard down a little bit, or perhaps just been unlucky - caught in a beam of moonlight for one second too many when a pair of well-trained eyes managed to catch the movement between the trees.

"You are intruding." It was a hand on her shoulder spinning her against the rough bark of a tree, and a sword at her belly and a voice at her ear as smooth and hard as the blade shining in the moonlight. "I know where you are from, little girl. And you are not supposed to be here."

She gulped, and prayed the dark cloak covered her hair and the insignia on her forehead. She thought quickly to the dagger she had thought to hide in her bodice. A dagger was no match against a sword, but perhaps if she distracted him... "What are you going to do?"

"I won't hurt you."

The sword was pulled back from her and the man stepped into the light. Serenity took surprised note of his silver hair and ice-blue eyes. Earth people all looked so different from one another, she knew from her observations back home, but silver hair was very rare here - though common as dust back on her satellite home. He looked familiar, but she couldn't quite place him.

"But you need to leave and not come back. What would your royals say, if they knew you were here? Breaking the most sacred taboo." His words almost sounded kind, but his voice was not.

Serenity swallowed hard. She knew what her mother would say, and was almost more afraid of what words Venus would have for her.

"The Lunar royals made the rule," a new voice came from her left, and seemed to surprise the man in front of her as well. Serenity shut her eyes miserably and felt her whole body want to shrink into itself, as her hood was gently lifted from her face, "and yet a royal breaks it."

She didn't need to open her eyes to know who stood before her, since the voice itself was achingly familiar. She knew Prince Endymion since she was a child, if only from watching him from above.

If she admitted it to herself, part of the inexplicable draw she felt to the blue and green planet was due to him. Her fascination with him had remained a guarded secret, although Serenity knew Venus probably suspected. Of course, she had hoped one of these times to see him - catch a glimpse maybe, but to be captured by his guard and then revealed as a trespasser was more than she could bear.

"And continues to break it," Endymion continued. "What has it been, Princess? Seven times now?"

Serenity's eyes snapped open in surprise, and she met Endymion's gaze unexpectedly. For one breathless moment, she forgot she was essentially a captured criminal and just let herself look at him, almost wistfully. He was so beautiful, this close. He was looking at her with fascination and warmth, hardly the way he should be staring down an intruder from an unfriendly kingdom. She found herself aching to touch him, brush her fingertips along his forehead, and she cringed and looked away.

The prince's words seemed to surprise his companion as well, and the man raised his eyebrows in an expression that was half questioning, and half suspicious. Serenity had seen a similar expression on her own senshi's faces before, directed at her. She realized now why the man was so familiar.

"You think I don't make it my business to know what happens on my own lands, Kunzite?" Endymion said.

"I was unaware I was being watched," Serenity interjected. She cursed her fair skin for the revealing flush creeping over her face and shoulders, and squeezed her fists closed in a flare of embarrassment and anger.

"I was only making sure nothing happened to you," Endymion answered.

Of course, anything danger befalling her here would have dire consequences for Earth, why didn't she think of that? Serenity flexed her fingers underneath her cloak, lowing her eyes and chiding herself for her thoughtlessness.

Kunzite narrowed his eyes at her. "So, Princess, I'm going to assume these visits have no, shall we say, official capacity?"

She could still feel Endymion's eyes on her and she avoided looking at him - he took her breath away, and she needed it now.

"No," she murmured, painfully aware of how silly she sounded, "I just wanted to see it here. It was so beautiful that I kept coming back. I obviously did not think this through. I'm sorry."

There was a long moment of silence, while the two men before her seemed to have an entire conversation - or argument- with their eyes alone.

"If you wish me to leave, I will," Serenity finally said, proud that her voice did not catch, proud that her chin was raised and that she met Kunzite's eyes with all the confidence of a princess.

She still could not bring herself to look at Endymion, though. If she met his eyes, again, she could never leave.

"That would be best." It was Kunzite who spoke.

The rough bark of the tree was beginning to itch the tender skin on the back of her head, where her hair was parted. The grass brushed against her bare feet, the weight of the cloak pulled at her shoulders in the higher gravity, a cool breeze lifted the fine hairs on her arm in goosebumps - she carefully filed every sensation away like a precious jewel to be pulled out and mulled over later in the airless artificial light of her bedroom a hundred thousand miles away. Serenity forced the tears from her eyes.

"Then, by morning I will leave and never return," she said.

Kunzite's knuckles were white as he led Endymion away by the arm.

When they left, Serenity bent her head in defeat and swallowed the burning sensation in her throat. Tears would be for later, when she was alone and could celebrate the chance she had and mourn its end at the same time. For now she let the night settle its darkness deeper around her.

She almost didn't even startle when fingertips pressed into her palm, and a hand tugged at her elbow. It was like somehow she knew Endymion would come back, and that she wouldn't keep her promise to Kunzite and neither would he.

"You don't have to leave," he whispered to her, in the dark she could barely make out his eyes but she felt the brush of his hair against her forehead.

It wasn't weakness that made her stay. It wasn't weakness that made her fingers thread through his, and brought a breathless question to her lips that he was quick to answer in the shielding darkness.

As the morning damp brought shivers to her skin, realization dawned as unrelentingly as the cool light of morning that this decision would bring her more pain than she could imagine for more time than even a daughter of the moon could think possible.

So, it wasn't weakness that brought her back to him, again and again. It was strength. Strength and the indelible, unshakeable belief that they'd find this happiness again, even as fate conspired to rip them apart for the first time but not for the last.

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><p>a.n: thanks to everyone who added this to alerts or favorites. :) I appreciate it.<p>

next is season R - I think...

but before that I promise.. repercussions! cross my heart


	3. Chapter 3

dear diary:

not dead

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><p>okay firstly: yes repercussions is coming probably in later july. the last chapter I wrote got erased and i went all fuck everything on it but no okay I promise if anyone still cares.<p>

secondly: this is from r the first arc

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><p>Usagi Tsukino's new pink brooch slipped from where she had been carelessly spinning it between her fingers and skittered loudly across Mamoru's coffee table, dropping with a muted thud on the carpeted floor. She cringed and held her breath, waiting to see if the baby in the other room or the college student on the sofa behind her would wake at the noise. She wasn't sure which would be worse at this point.<p>

Neither stirred and she let out a silent sigh of relief and stretched her legs out from underneath her. Manami was asleep, boxes and shopping bags with enough diapers and wipes and formula and burping cloths to supply a neonatal care unit for a month were strewn haphazardly across the small living area.

She had no idea what possessed Mamoru to volunteer to babysit a six-month old for a weekend, but Usagi knew why she volunteered to help, and exactly why she was regretting it now.

Almost as if he could hear her thoughts, she heard Mamoru shift behind her on the sofa, a catch of breath and a sigh and she knew from the heavy change in the once-peaceful atmosphere of the apartment that he was now awake. Unconsciously, her teeth found her lower lip and gnawed on the same spot she always seemed to come back to. It was beginning to hurt.

This all was beginning to hurt.

"You still here?"

Usagi didn't turn around at his question. She felt his eyes boring into the back of her head, imagined his annoyance at her radiating off him like heat coiling around her and stinging her eyes.

"I thought someone should be awake, ya know, in case Manami-chan woke up," she said evenly.

Her fingers tightened around her brooch, her heart calling to her sacred crystal and the power within her - but it could do nothing to help her now. This wasn't a matter for a warrior. This was a just a girl, in love with a boy who couldn't care less about her. _People deal with this every day, _she told herself, harshly.

"I wanted to let you sleep," she mumbled. She could still feel his eyes on her.

"Thanks," he said. There were a few more moments of silence, then he spoke again. "I really needed it."

She made some sort of affirmative sound, but still didn't turn.

Mamoru sighed and began to offer an apology for how he'd been grumpy, but she interrupted him with a quick headshake. The last thing wanted was some false pretense or politic politeness.

Usagi turned to face him mid-eyeroll and then froze. Because she had absolutely not realized how close he was. Her eyes widened with his merely inches away. She bit her lip, again, the sting distracting her from his eyes - his infuriatingly abnormally blue eyes. Usagi had never, ever thought Mamoru's eyes were fair, not since the day she met him. If there were any justice in the world, he'd be forced to wear muddy contacts forever and ever, she decided, pulling again on her lip with her teeth.

"So what's your deal, anyway?" Mamoru asked, shifting his gaze from her face to the ceiling, resting his arm under his head. "Why is a girl your age sacrificing her weekend to hang out inside and change diapers?"

Usagi pondered that for a minute. "I don't know," she began. _I guess it's your winning personality, _she thought, but swallowed back the teasing words. That was something she would have said to him before. To the old Mamoru, not this stranger looking at her like he was trying to figure out a particularly unmanageable puzzle.

"I guess I'm just a mysterious girl," she said finally, brashly, with a slight narrowing of her eyes.

"So mysterious," Mamoru answered. "Usagi Tsukino: chronically late, fails horribly at tests and virtual reality laser tag, eats way too much-"

"Stop, stop!" she pounded him on the shoulder, forgetting he didn't 'know' her, forgetting they weren't close - maybe were never close, "those are all bad things!"

Was she imagining the amusement in his eyes as he grabbed her wrist and shoulder, ceasing her attack and gently pushing her back? The warmth of his fingers as they splayed along her uniformed shoulder and back of her neck sent shock waves down to her stomach. Flustered, Usagi swallowed down every screaming synapse in her brain. Mamoru was annoyed and wanted her to leave him alone. That was it. _Quit being a baby_, she chastised herself.

"Budding colored-pencil artist, decent baby-formula maker, very loud in public," he finished, "not _all_ bad things."

_Champion of love and justice_, Usagi added in her head. _Savior of planet earth_, _Princess of the Moon, Sailor Senshi. I am those things, too._

_Those things are as much as part of me as you once were.  
><em>

"Does that about sum it up?" he asked, his voice suddenly softer. His fingers still brushed against the skin of her neck, rustling the wisps of hair at the base of her usual style.

His hand was still wrapped around her wrist. _  
><em>

"No," she whispered, feeling the cursed burning behind her eyes and hating herself for it. "Not even _close_."

Usagi had started to pull away even before Manami shattered the charged silence with his cry.

_Not even close._

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><p>omg but seriously I'm sorry I'm giving you this and nothing something REAL<p>

just wanted to let you know I'm out there in case anyone cares

okthxbai


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